In the Beginning
Early on in our marriage I was taught this truth: God has ordained two institutions, the church and the marriage, and both are out to kill us, so that we become less and the Lord becomes greater.
I Felt Like I Was Failing
In my 14 years of marriage, there have been fights and hurts that have led me to think about that one verse, “to live is Christ, but to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). I feel like I was failing to live as Christ wanted me to and so to die would be better. Then the Lord in His great mercy and grace led me ever so gently and kindly towards that wonderful gift of repentance (Romans 2:4).
Motives & Intentions
Isn’t it funny that if I say and mean one thing, it gets interpreted in the worst possible way at times? And other times my words and actions are discounted because the assumption is that I had alterior motives or intentions.
Hurt People Hurt People
When I’m hurt, it’s easy for me to hurt others. And when my wife is hurt, it’s easy for her to do likewise. If we’re both hurting, watch out! That’s what I call a vicious cycle.
The Cycle Breaker
That’s when we need to call upon Jesus, the cycle breaker, and infuse His love and grace into our lives and our marriage. It’s easier said than done. But through the years, beginning with premarital counseling and counseling throughout marriage, we have been learning more about our sinful nature and how we tend to hurt each other, many times unintentionally.
Resolve Without Delay
The engineer brain that I’ve been blessed with likes to take things in factually. If she said there wasn’t anything wrong, I’d believe the words even though the attitude and actions didn’t match. I’ve learned to read her, be sensitive to how she responds. If there’s even a doubt of me accidentally hurting her with my words or actions, I’m the kind of person who wants to confront it immediately and resolve it without delay. She’s the kind of person that needs time to process the pain before letting it go. So in those circumstances, upon my initiation, I let her know lovingly that I sense that I’ve hurt her and I was to bring resolve, restitution, and that the ball is in her court now to continue this conflict resolution (obviously without long delay).
Our Own Pride
Even in our fifth year of marriage, I remember going about five days without talking to each other because of our own pride, hurts, and not willing to admit fault (we of course didn’t let anyone know it because we put on that happy clappy smiley face around others). We’ve gotten that time down to about 12 hours now, sometimes lasting until the next day if the hurt was committed late in the day, but often the resolve happens within the same day.
Why is Resolve Happening Sooner?
We value our walk with the Lord as our number one priority. If other parts of our lives begin to slip, we question our walk with the Lord. Oftentimes when we return to desiring God intimately, He puts things back in order.
Marriage Above All Else
Our marriage is priority number two. If that is weak but our children, ministry, work, or hobbies are excelling and we’re fine with that, we are amiss. We need to repent and invest into our marriage, which usually requires dying to self, living for the other, and striving for unity.
Marriage is Tough
It seems tougher than running a business or ministry. But it’s part of God’s plan. And when done right, it’s a beautiful expression of who God is. A godly marriage reflects the love of Christ, the family of God, and unity that is found in the Trinity.
Conclusion
Our heart and desire is that our marriage would be an example to others of what it looks like to pursue a godly marriage, despite it’s pains, mishaps, and failures. God is faithful, and as long as we cling to Him, He will lead us to greater degree of dying to self and loving one another.
Discussion
What is one way you cope with difficult times in marriage?
